Post by wwjbcd on Dec 13, 2014 2:20:02 GMT
Oh ho! So the origin of the Cocheese-Nature union is revealed! Now if only we could find out how they knew each other in the first place! Ah, I'm sure that's a story for another day. In two days, dangerous duos collide with one another... two another? Oh, whatever. The point is, yet again, this is a big-time match which will undoubtedly end this vendetta once and for all...
...
HAHA! I don't believe it either!!
So today we get a very interesting scene in the form of a... TRAINING MONTAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!
It's set to the tune of "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers, so you already KNOW the score the second those first ♫Da na na na na na!'s♫ get fired off via electric guitar.
As the music plays, the video shows Schneider blasting the doors open leading to a gym. Then scenes of the gym patrons, even the most musclebound and oiled-up for some reason guys look on in awe some some terror. Schneider slow-motion walks into the gym proper, rips off most of his clothes save his wrasslin' trunks, and makes his way to the bench press.
Then shots of him doing many reps on the bench press, followed by the leg press, followed by the dead lift, exercise bike, boxing bag, sit-ups, sweat drenching his hairy exterior, resulting in the next scenes being of him doing laps in the pool (yes, believe it or not, The Portland Madman can swim!), diving, going down the waterslides, warming up in the spa, sweating more profusely in the sauna, then wrestling an alligator that someone dumped into the shallow pool (inciting the waders to bolt).
This amazing manly display of endurance, stamina, strength and agility, tempered with bravery and a general disregard for his own well-being, draws many people back to him; a scene of men, women and children running in his direction like this was the intro to Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling.
Later, the music long since all said and done, Schneider is seen sitting atop a clearly not-real alligator, surrounded by kids and scantily-clad women and alligator skin bags (like how when Popeye uppercuts an alligator and it falls back to Earth as a bunch of luggage), signing autographs and chatting away with the people who have clearly lost their own minds...
...Until he notices the camera and grins. The shot pans in closer.
"Oh, hello! I didn't quite SEE you there! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone laughs as well, trying to emulate Schneider's own special way of expressing things of a humorous nature... or anything, really.
"Now, you all might have noticed that, uh, somethin's amiss here; yes, I AM all by my lonesome this afternoon, thanks for asking! See, good reason for that, let me tell you!"
He signs some more autographs before continuing. Women kiss him on the cheeks; these are women who I wish existed in REAL life!
"Now, my ol' buddy, ol' pal Francisco Cocheese has been a naughty boy, HASN'T he? He thinks I always gotta be THREE FEET behind Mr. Bonecrusher? That I always gotta let him TALK for me? Frank... Frankie... Frank-LIN... WHATTYA THINK I WAS DOIN' BEFORE HE CAME ALONG?! Mimin' my way to the top of the RWD?"
Schneider does a poor job of miming being trapped inside a box. Some of the people around try their hand at it too.
"Frankie, I KNOW what yer tryin' ta do, and while I appreciate and respect the sentiment, I'M STILL GONNA HAVE TA EAT YOUR FACE!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, wow, TWO "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA'S!!!!!!!!!!" in one promo! Truly, we are blessed.
"Now, I'll agree with you on ONE point: Mr. Bonecrusher's a pretty gabby fella! He says he's got words for DAYS! But Frankie, DON'T make the mistake of takin' yer eyes off the prize, 'cuz you ain't gettin' into the ring with HIM... yer gettin' into the ring with ME, 'Perfectly Sane' Maxwell Schneider! Oh, sure, he'll be at RINGSIDE all right, but you oughhta keep yer mitts offa HIM and wrap them meaty meat-hooks around MY neck! I'll ENJOY it!"
Many of the ladies try their hand at choking Schneider, but their tiny hands can't do the job.
"But seriously, I gotta let you know right NOW: you lay a FINGER on Mr. Bonecrusher, I'm gonna take a pair of HEDGECLIPPERS and give your fingernails a REAL short cut... RIGHT up to the knuckles!"
Schneider imitates- no!!! He actually pulls out, yes, he pulls out a pair of honest-to-gosh hedgeclippers, who the fuck cares? From behind him! One of the ladies hands him some! What does it matter?! Anyway, he does his best Brutus Beefcake impression before safely throwing them away.
"Mr. Bonecrusher's got a MOUTH on him, that's fer sure, but he's just a LI'L guy! A BIG li'l guy, and that poor poor arm of his is fin- I mean, NO!!! It's NOT fine yet! It's NOT! And besides- and don't think you can confuse me, Frankie! No you can't! This Sunday, it's round THREE between you and me; ain't that ENOUGH for ya?"
He shakes some old ladies' hands and kisses some babies, who subsequently cry, but it's all in good fun! Hey, babies cry at practically ANYTHING, don't judge!
"Round one: we went one-on-one. Round two: KONSTANTINE was added to the dance number. Round THREE: you're taggin' up with that crazy lady and I'm teamin' up with a crazy lady myself! Now while you said it best when you said the guys can go against the ladies and vice-y verse-y if they so chose, DON'T make the mistake of tryin' ta tangle with Jezzabel, and I won't do the same with your li'l lady. I want YOUUUU, Frankie, I want YOUUUU! ONLY you, Frankie, ONLY you!"
Schneider started getting up as he referred to Jezzabel, and at his last couple of statements, he began to shadow box as he shouted them out.
"I'm gonna chop out yer legs, bend your arms the other way, make you do your best impression of an owl so you can see your own pos-TERIOR, and baby, much MUCH more! 'Cuz if you think for one SECOND that ol' Maxie-poo's gone SOFT, well..."
He hoists one meaty fist up at about chin-level. The crowd oo's and aa's. And even ooh's and aah's, sure, why not?
"Does THIS look soft ta YOU, boy? 'Cuz it *bam* sure *bam* as *bam* hell *bam* don't feel soft ta ME!" Each *bam* striking his head with authority. "Mr. Bonecrusher said you've been hit in the HEAD a few times, which is why you say the things you DO. Well, I'm lookin' forward ta what yer gonna say when I hit you a few MORE times... in the HEAD, in the chest, the arms, the legs, EVERYWHERE! What crazy thing'll you say if I, say, dropped you on yer HEAD? What amazin' anecdote will come out yer mouth when I KICK YER TEETH down yer throat? Inquirin' minds wanna know!"
Suddenly, someone walks into view with a kitchen sink, handing it over to Schneider who had little difficulty wielding it, unlike the poor guy who initially had it.
"Ya see this sink, Frankie? Yeah, YOU see it. You know this sink well, DON'TCHA? Hell, I know it pretty well myself! I've had my difference with this sink, feelin' it try to cave my skull in, that was thanks ta YOU, Frankie! Yeah, that was thanks ta YOU. But ya see, me and the sink here, we got to talkin'. We've come to a li'l UNDERSTANDING. I made this sink here an offer: WORK with me, ONLY me, and I promised I'd fill it. Fill it with WHAT, you might ask?"
Schneider looks at everyone expectantly. After a few more moments pass, he coughs loudly, a signal for them to speak.
"Fill it with WHAT?!" they ask in unison.
Schneider laughs, "Why, with Frankie's BLOOD is all! I'm gonna pick up a stopper special for this occasion, and EVERYONE'S gonna see that Frankie's the red-blooded American I always KNEW he was- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
A THIRD time! WOW!! But alas, the LAST time... for NOW! For the scene slowly fades out with Schneider and his newfound fans yukking it up, as he puts the sink down to sign some more autographs.
...
HAHA! I don't believe it either!!
So today we get a very interesting scene in the form of a... TRAINING MONTAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!
It's set to the tune of "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers, so you already KNOW the score the second those first ♫Da na na na na na!'s♫ get fired off via electric guitar.
As the music plays, the video shows Schneider blasting the doors open leading to a gym. Then scenes of the gym patrons, even the most musclebound and oiled-up for some reason guys look on in awe some some terror. Schneider slow-motion walks into the gym proper, rips off most of his clothes save his wrasslin' trunks, and makes his way to the bench press.
Then shots of him doing many reps on the bench press, followed by the leg press, followed by the dead lift, exercise bike, boxing bag, sit-ups, sweat drenching his hairy exterior, resulting in the next scenes being of him doing laps in the pool (yes, believe it or not, The Portland Madman can swim!), diving, going down the waterslides, warming up in the spa, sweating more profusely in the sauna, then wrestling an alligator that someone dumped into the shallow pool (inciting the waders to bolt).
This amazing manly display of endurance, stamina, strength and agility, tempered with bravery and a general disregard for his own well-being, draws many people back to him; a scene of men, women and children running in his direction like this was the intro to Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling.
Later, the music long since all said and done, Schneider is seen sitting atop a clearly not-real alligator, surrounded by kids and scantily-clad women and alligator skin bags (like how when Popeye uppercuts an alligator and it falls back to Earth as a bunch of luggage), signing autographs and chatting away with the people who have clearly lost their own minds...
...Until he notices the camera and grins. The shot pans in closer.
"Oh, hello! I didn't quite SEE you there! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone laughs as well, trying to emulate Schneider's own special way of expressing things of a humorous nature... or anything, really.
"Now, you all might have noticed that, uh, somethin's amiss here; yes, I AM all by my lonesome this afternoon, thanks for asking! See, good reason for that, let me tell you!"
He signs some more autographs before continuing. Women kiss him on the cheeks; these are women who I wish existed in REAL life!
"Now, my ol' buddy, ol' pal Francisco Cocheese has been a naughty boy, HASN'T he? He thinks I always gotta be THREE FEET behind Mr. Bonecrusher? That I always gotta let him TALK for me? Frank... Frankie... Frank-LIN... WHATTYA THINK I WAS DOIN' BEFORE HE CAME ALONG?! Mimin' my way to the top of the RWD?"
Schneider does a poor job of miming being trapped inside a box. Some of the people around try their hand at it too.
"Frankie, I KNOW what yer tryin' ta do, and while I appreciate and respect the sentiment, I'M STILL GONNA HAVE TA EAT YOUR FACE!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, wow, TWO "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA'S!!!!!!!!!!" in one promo! Truly, we are blessed.
"Now, I'll agree with you on ONE point: Mr. Bonecrusher's a pretty gabby fella! He says he's got words for DAYS! But Frankie, DON'T make the mistake of takin' yer eyes off the prize, 'cuz you ain't gettin' into the ring with HIM... yer gettin' into the ring with ME, 'Perfectly Sane' Maxwell Schneider! Oh, sure, he'll be at RINGSIDE all right, but you oughhta keep yer mitts offa HIM and wrap them meaty meat-hooks around MY neck! I'll ENJOY it!"
Many of the ladies try their hand at choking Schneider, but their tiny hands can't do the job.
"But seriously, I gotta let you know right NOW: you lay a FINGER on Mr. Bonecrusher, I'm gonna take a pair of HEDGECLIPPERS and give your fingernails a REAL short cut... RIGHT up to the knuckles!"
Schneider imitates- no!!! He actually pulls out, yes, he pulls out a pair of honest-to-gosh hedgeclippers, who the fuck cares? From behind him! One of the ladies hands him some! What does it matter?! Anyway, he does his best Brutus Beefcake impression before safely throwing them away.
"Mr. Bonecrusher's got a MOUTH on him, that's fer sure, but he's just a LI'L guy! A BIG li'l guy, and that poor poor arm of his is fin- I mean, NO!!! It's NOT fine yet! It's NOT! And besides- and don't think you can confuse me, Frankie! No you can't! This Sunday, it's round THREE between you and me; ain't that ENOUGH for ya?"
He shakes some old ladies' hands and kisses some babies, who subsequently cry, but it's all in good fun! Hey, babies cry at practically ANYTHING, don't judge!
"Round one: we went one-on-one. Round two: KONSTANTINE was added to the dance number. Round THREE: you're taggin' up with that crazy lady and I'm teamin' up with a crazy lady myself! Now while you said it best when you said the guys can go against the ladies and vice-y verse-y if they so chose, DON'T make the mistake of tryin' ta tangle with Jezzabel, and I won't do the same with your li'l lady. I want YOUUUU, Frankie, I want YOUUUU! ONLY you, Frankie, ONLY you!"
Schneider started getting up as he referred to Jezzabel, and at his last couple of statements, he began to shadow box as he shouted them out.
"I'm gonna chop out yer legs, bend your arms the other way, make you do your best impression of an owl so you can see your own pos-TERIOR, and baby, much MUCH more! 'Cuz if you think for one SECOND that ol' Maxie-poo's gone SOFT, well..."
He hoists one meaty fist up at about chin-level. The crowd oo's and aa's. And even ooh's and aah's, sure, why not?
"Does THIS look soft ta YOU, boy? 'Cuz it *bam* sure *bam* as *bam* hell *bam* don't feel soft ta ME!" Each *bam* striking his head with authority. "Mr. Bonecrusher said you've been hit in the HEAD a few times, which is why you say the things you DO. Well, I'm lookin' forward ta what yer gonna say when I hit you a few MORE times... in the HEAD, in the chest, the arms, the legs, EVERYWHERE! What crazy thing'll you say if I, say, dropped you on yer HEAD? What amazin' anecdote will come out yer mouth when I KICK YER TEETH down yer throat? Inquirin' minds wanna know!"
Suddenly, someone walks into view with a kitchen sink, handing it over to Schneider who had little difficulty wielding it, unlike the poor guy who initially had it.
"Ya see this sink, Frankie? Yeah, YOU see it. You know this sink well, DON'TCHA? Hell, I know it pretty well myself! I've had my difference with this sink, feelin' it try to cave my skull in, that was thanks ta YOU, Frankie! Yeah, that was thanks ta YOU. But ya see, me and the sink here, we got to talkin'. We've come to a li'l UNDERSTANDING. I made this sink here an offer: WORK with me, ONLY me, and I promised I'd fill it. Fill it with WHAT, you might ask?"
Schneider looks at everyone expectantly. After a few more moments pass, he coughs loudly, a signal for them to speak.
"Fill it with WHAT?!" they ask in unison.
Schneider laughs, "Why, with Frankie's BLOOD is all! I'm gonna pick up a stopper special for this occasion, and EVERYONE'S gonna see that Frankie's the red-blooded American I always KNEW he was- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
A THIRD time! WOW!! But alas, the LAST time... for NOW! For the scene slowly fades out with Schneider and his newfound fans yukking it up, as he puts the sink down to sign some more autographs.
THE END.
so quickly so sad!
