Post by Muhammad Murder on Dec 8, 2014 20:35:22 GMT
[Static, nothing else can be seen on the screen at the moment. Our eardrums are brutally beaten senseless by the static’s digitized wailing. Thankfully, we are saved be a sexy, unseen male voice that resembles James Earl Jones’. All the meanwhile, the screen would suddenly cut to an abyss of nothingness, letting only the voice be our guide.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, do not worry about all the other garbage you have seen on TV. This new channel will make you forget about all of the horrors your eyes have suffered through and make you realize that television can still be watchable. This is…
[We then fade back to blackness as we can basically hear the lawsuits making their way to Arizona. But we don’t worry too much about that as another image will fill the void. As the image is seen, we are treated to a review of said image that has been posted on Reddit as read by Morgan Freeman…’s vocal impersonator.]
“This has to be the most perfect depiction of ACE Superstar, Muhammad Murder that I have ever seen. When I first took a gander at this piece of art, my eyes literally swelled up and poured out pure tears of joy. In fact, it was so inspiring that I showed this to my 5 month old daughter and after a minute of staring at this masterpiece, she had said her first words! ‘All hail Beard 5:0clock’, she said as I brought the image over to my ex-wife who then saw error of divorcing me after gazing into MuMu’s magnificent beard. We then proceeded to have a steamy threesome with her hot sister and then I died from a heart attack. I got to snap into a Slim Jim with the great ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage and it was awesome. It’s all thanks to the image of the greatest bearded wrestler in the world, in the galaxy, in the universe, Muhammad Murder.” – Kris Humphries
[We then fade into a new scene in which Muhammad Murder is wearing a well fitted Armani suit, which was probably stolen from Men’s Warehouse. Muhammad seemed to like the way he looked, if only that guy hadn’t guaranteed that. The man would be sitting on a swiveling, leather chair behind a large desk with cherry finish. A card would be in his right hand, being tapped lightly onto the top of the desk. We’re pretty sure that the card is completely blank.
The male himself would be seen occasionally fiddling with his amazing chin hair as he just wears a smug smile on his bearded face. Finally the male speaks.]
“Truer words have never been said from a talented man! Hello, my fellow beardies and non-beardies! I’m Muhammad Murder and THIS is the VERY first episode of The Muhammad Murder Show!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[We hear a roaring applause from an amazing studio audience populated by one Lefty, who was just slapping his arms together and wildly howling and barking like the Mandog that he is. MuMu would just chuckle and adjust the indigo tie on the suit that wasn’t exactly his yet.]
“Thank you, thank you~. You’re a really kind audience, really! You are! Now, today on the very first Muhammad Murder Show, we’re doing a little special!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Applause]
“Yeah, a nice lil’ special, but first, let’s have a word from our sponsor, ACE Wrestling. We’ll be right back!”
[Applause is heard as the camera zooms away from M&M, who was just doing a little dance in his seat as his theme song would play. The camera would then zoom around the set, which reveals that the set was located in a garage with a backdrop that acts as if it was in a studio with view of Phoenix’s buildings. The camera would also zoom to Lefty’s excited, disgusting, drooling face as he wildly applauds the male. We would then fade into darkness before an advertisement is played.]
“Sunday!
Sunday!
SUNDAAAAY!
[An adrenaline-pumped, deep voice would be heard screaming from the speakers of our television set as the word “Sunday” has blinked up on the screen three times with the third time making the text drip blood as the hyped announcer draws out the second vowel in the word.]
AT THE DOUBLETREE HOTEL LITTLE ROCK IN LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS!
[Eventually, the logos of two brands would smash right into each other, prompting a horribly pixilated gif of an explosion to burst in between the two once they had touched. The explosion sound itself was loud enough to cause our ears to possibly bleed as well as awaken any neighbors who had been sleeping.]
IT’S SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY NIGHT COMBAT, WHERE THE REVOLUTIONARY WRESTLING DIVISION FACES OFF AGAINST AWESOME CHAMPIONSHIP ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLING WITH TWO MEN REPRESENTING THEIR BRAND BATTLING IT OUT IN THE SQUARED CIRCLE!
FROM THE RWD, HAILS A MAN WHO HAS HELD 14 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS IN HIS CAREER AND IS KNOWN FOR BEING A CANADIAN ICON. TOO BAD THIS GUY IS ONLY COMPLETELY INFERIOR TO THE MAN HE’S FACING FROM THE MUCH MORE SUPERIOR BRAND OF ACE WRESTLING
[We feel like we have been shown an image that is so beautiful, its greatness had to be coupled only the loudest slew of airhorn sound clips and smoothest, deepest voice that would just dare ask the most frequently asked question in Trap Music history.]
D-D-D-DAAAAAMN SON! WHERE’D YOU FIND THIIIIIS?
THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S HIM! THE GREATEST BEARDED WRESTLER IN THE WORLD, IN THE GALAXY, IN THE UNIVERSE! HAILING FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA! FROM THE GREATEST BRAND TO EVER HIT THE PACIFIC, ACE WRESTLING! HE IS THE BEARDMAN, DOUBLE M, M DOUBLE, MCDOUBLE, MUHAMMAD MURDER!
AND THE TWO PSYCHOS WILL FACE OFF AGAINST EACH OTHER IN A MATCH THAT’S ONLY SO FITTING FOR THESE TWO. A PSYCH WARD RULES MATCH!
[We hear more airhorns blare loudly from television’s speakers. So loud that it had caused any infant within a two feet radius to try to match it’s volume with loud wailing and sobbing. As soon as the sound of the airhorns had died off, we then begin to hear the languid, sultry groans and moans of an unseen seductress. The moaning and groaning almost sounding like they were ripped out of a porno from the 90s. That too was being played at a loud volume, which caused anyone who had thought that we were just an innocent bunch of people to completely change their opinion on us. We just wonder to ourselves why we haven’t turned the volume down at this point.
Finally, the moaning and groaning would stop as another horribly pixilated explosion would abruptly shatter the BEAUTIFUL GIF and would reveal more brightly colored words just blinking on and off rapidly, almost enough to cause an epileptic seizure. The words just read:
“THE MATCH UP GOD NEVER INTENDED!”]
YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS CLASSIC BETWEEN THE 14 TIME LOSER VS. ALMIGHTY BEARDED LORD OF WRESTLING, SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAAAAAY ON DECEMBER 14TH AT THE DOUBLETREE HOTEL LITTLE ROCK!
[The horribly pixilated explosion would blast over the banner, basically giving us a massive heart attack before the screen would just cut to black, finally giving us, the viewers, some peace… For about a minute or so before we hear Double M’s theme and a wobbly camera which would return its focus to Our Hairy Lord, Muhammad Murder, who was busy excavating nasal minerals with his index finger while carelessly looking away from the camera. Seconds of nose picking would pass before M Double would realize that the commercial had ended and that he was live once again.
Flicking anything that was left on the top of his finger away, Murder would return to acting professional as he rapidly taps the blank card onto the cherry wooden desk.]
“Hey hey heeeey~ You little f[ans]~ Y’all snuck up on me! Don’t ever do that again or I’ll cut you like an angry Mexican~.” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Deranged laughter could be heard from Lefty as Muhammad would deliver a vicious grin as cheerful chuckling would be heard from the guy before he’d suddenly deepen his voice a bit. He’d deliver a stink eye to the camera.]
“Alright, shut the [fudge] up!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Obediently, Lefty stops the applause and the laughter, much to the pleasure of MuMu.]
“Now, recently, yours truly had debuted in Sunday Night LIVE against Joanna Cyluna Thade, and I showed everybody who was watching that I’m not just some lil’ punk who got locked up. Oh no, I showed them why people branded my fine bearded ass as #CertifiedCrazy! I made them laugh! I made them cry! I made them [dookie] themselves because they couldn’t just leave and go to the bathroom and have them miss this spectacular Beardman perform!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[MM would let out a laugh as he would tap the blank card onto cherry wood a bit faster. His eyes widening a bit, seeming a bit crazed. Fingers would fidget within his beard before eventually they’d begin to curl and tug at the fantastic chin hair on his smiling face.]
“Oh yeah, and I know that people out there, doubting my abilities in that ring in my debut. They saw me change stances from Jeet Kune Do to Capoeira! They didn’t know what to freakin’ think of me out there. And that’s what you gotta do, baby! Play with their expectations; make them think one thing while you throw curveballs in a completely different way. That’s why I’m hosting this talk show right now, gotta show off the fact that I have more talents than just wrestling!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[More applause is heard as M&M would nod, signaling the “crowd” to cheer louder, which just warranted more obnoxious clapping and hooting from the mandog.]
“And I performed so freakin’ well, that the big man himself came to me. On his goddamn knees this guy was. And this was a big dude… No joke! He can probably snap me in half like a sexy, bearded pretzel stick. But no, instead Mr. Alan Christopher came to me, got on his knees like he’s into some man-on-man action and BEGGED me to represent the entirety of ACE in RWD’s next installment of Sunday Night Combat.” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[The “crowd” would let out an awe-filled “oooh~” as MuMu would deliver a wide, prideful smirk.]
“Now, when I told Alan to get his big, muscleheaded ass up and be a man about this… Which totally happened by the way…” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[We’re very skeptical of this, but we believe it for now.]
“I look at him, right in the eyes of his beard and thought, ‘JESUS! Why does he have to dye his puny goatee? I get that you’re old, but pick a color dammit…’” –“Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Cue obnoxious laughter from Lefty with more obnoxious arm clapping.]
“But I looked past that, not everyone is gifted to have a Beard as great and as godly as mine. I then looked him in the sunglasses and I told him that I didn’t just want anybody from RWD. But I wanted someone who can handle staying in the same ring as me. One who wouldn’t pass out if they were within a ten feet radius of Beard 5:0clock here. Hell, even Beard 5:0clock told Al that he wanted a real opponent. Joanna was fun to play with and all, but I gotta be a lion and eat some REAL meat. I gotta keep people guessing. ‘Who is Muhammad Murder?’ That’s what I want people to ask and never find out the answer to.
I told Al that I wanted to face a guy who actually established himself as an Icon. I told him that I wanted to face a man who has one more championships than anyone I have ever known. I told him that I wanted to face “The Canadian Icon” Kruzer!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Lefty would begin to yell out in awe before we hear gagging and soon, vomiting from the old, crusty hobo. M&M’s eyes would go wide for a moment before going into his desk to extract a dog biscuit from the drawer. The Bearded Host would then fling the bone-shaped biscuit at the male. We don’t see if the treat ever made it to the hobo, but the sound of liquidated food and stomach acid spilling onto the floor had been replaced with a pleased sounding Lefty and thankful applause.]
“Al gave me this look like I was crazy. He thought that I gave a rat’s ass about Kruzer being a 14 time World Champ. He thought that I gave a damn about what he could do to me in the ring. I just didn’t give a single [dookie] what Al thought and I’m sure as hell not gonna give a damn about anybody who doubts that me and my Beard can crush Kruzer and his pitiful excuse for chin hair.
Now, I can go ahead, continue to talk more mess about Kruzer, insult his country, pleasure his mother, girlfriend and sister that he may or may not have, AND take a dump. But that would be both too easy and a huge waste of time. Not to mention that would be completely boring! Plus, I gotta talk show to manage and completely forget about soon after! So I prepared a special video package explaining just how much better I am than ‘The Canadian Icon’, just for you guys~ Eh!?” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[Applause.]
“Alrighty, here it is, a Special Presentation of ‘Why Muhammad Murder is Better than Kruzer’, enjoy~.” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[We would fade into the dark abyss of nothingness once again for a moment before the sound of an upbeat public access track plays. Large letters would appear on the screen, spelling out “Why Muhammad Murder is Better than Kruzer”. The title card would slowly fade into a smiling, yet fatigued Muhammad Murder who was standing just outside of his garage. It seems that the male had just ran outside his “studio” in the time the title card had been shown off. In the Bearded One’s hand was a toy microphone. You know the one, a plastic, orange toy microphone with a coil inside that echoes your voice inside. The male would bring the toy up to his Beard and spoke out.]
“Hello! This is Muhammad Murder! Founder, President, Producer, Director, Supporter…”
[We are then treated to a sudden close up of MM’s beautiful lips, which was barely visible at all due to the greatness that is his beard. MM would speak at a whisper.]
“…And Secret LOVER…”
[Thankfully, we zoom out to see all of Muhammad, who speaks in his regular tone.]
“…Of MMTV! As well as the Host of the Muhammad Murder Show. And I’m here today to ask others, ‘Why Muhammad Murder is Better than Kruzer?’ I mean, as if it wasn’t obvious to people enough already! Anyways, let’s go ahead and look around for our first reasons.” – “Founder, President, Producer, Director, Supporter, and Secret Lover of MMTV” Muhammad Murder
[MuMu would proceed to walk around in circles, not really shying away from his “studio” as he waggles the toy microphone around, creating wobbling noises from the coil within the toy. Eventually, Murder would stop and looked up in awe.]
“GASP! Martin Luther King Jr. is that you!? People thought that you were dead! I thought you were dead! But obviously, you still have enough strength left in yourself to watch good ol’ MM and big fat doo doo head Kruzer duke it out in a match almost as CRAZY as I am! Mister King, tell me, why do you think Muhammad Murder is Better than Kruzer?” – “Better than Kruzer” Muhammad Murder
[We then cut to the footage of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech.]
“I HAVE A DREAM… THAT ~Muhammad Murder would go to the Revolutionary Wrestling Division and make an example out of The Canadian Icon~” – Martin Luther King Jr.?
[As MLK spoke, he would be briefly interrupted by sloppy editing of a snippet of a terrible imitation of MLK’s voice by MM. We then cut back to MuMu, who was just grinning up a storm and holding out the toy microphone for a moment before bringing the head of the toy back to his beard.]
“Wow! Thanks for the statement MiLK, but, uh… That doesn’t answer my question… Oh well, it doesn’t matter! It just goes to show that massive figureheads who had been assassinated a long time ago, still has enough energy to root for Muhammad Murder rather than Kruzer. Isn’t that great!?” – “MLK’s Favorite” Muhammad Murder
[MuMu would pause for a moment to survey the area. He would tilt his head back as it would seem like his beard was acting as some “potential interviewee” tracker. Soon enough, Beard 5:0clock would point Murder in the direction of two aging ho- er… “Ladies of the Night”, who were just coughing and hacking upon a large intake of nicotine. Muhammad would smoothly slip right beside the “nightly workers”, still having that large grin on his face as he speaks.]
“And right here we have some FINE lookin’ honeys, doing their nightly duty as hard working citizens! Ladies…” – “Ladies Man” Muhammad Murder
[Murder would slip in the space between the two women, trying hard not to choke on the mass amount of secondhand smog that surrounded the three. The two women were solid Sixes on their best day, glazed with massive amounts of make up just caked on their faces. The two would look towards M&M as he would wrap his arms around their shoulders and tugged them closer to his form.]
“I gotta ask y’all something real important. Nothing sexual, because I gotta be honest, you guys are kinda gross. BUT, I need to know… Why do you think Muhammad Murder is Better than Kruzer?” – “Still Better Than Kruzer” Muhammad Murder
“Obviously because he’s the biggest sweetie on the state of Arizona~” – Lady of the Night #1
[The younger looking Lady would lovingly pet and run her glossy fingers through her beard, possibly leaving multiple diseases in his beard. MM will have to remember to dip his pride and joy into some strong cleansing chemicals.]
“And that beard of his can leave a lady all warm and toasty if she snuggled up on it all tight and cozy~” – Lady of the Night #2
“And he runs really fast from our ‘Daddies’ when he doesn’t have the cash to pay for our services~” – Lady of the Night #1
[The Lady’s grip on the beard would become much more aggressive as she would then yank at his chin hair, which would exert a yelp from the poor, bearded fool. MuMu would let out a nervous chuckle and delivered a shrug before stomping on the toes of the first Lady of the Night and shoving the second one away from his path as he darts away. The cameraman would soon follow. It would take a good minute or two before Double M would stop due to being short of breath.]
“Well, that was a jam I did NOT want to smear over my peanut butter. Next, we have… Oh my god! Is that!? YES IT IS! IT’S VINCE THE SHAMWOW GUY!” – “Avid Shamwow User” Muhammad Murder
[We would then cut to footage of the commercial where Vince the Shamwow Guy would be seen advertising the Slap Chop.]
“Hey, you following me, ~Muhammad Murder~?” – Vince the Shamwow Guy
“Hell yeah I follow you, Vinny. Hey, you got any last words about how great Muhammad Murder and his Beard is before we head back to MMTV Studios?” – “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” Muhammad Murder
“You’re gonna LOVE ~Muhammad Murder’s~ nuts!” – Vince the Slap Chop Guy
[Vince would proceed to demonstrate how the Slap Chop should be used on a pile of salted, unshelled peanuts. We would then cut back a laughing M Double.]
“Ahah, thanks Vince, I’m glad that you have my back… and apparently my nuts too… Hmn… ANYWAYS! Let’s get back to Muhammad Murder at MMTV Studios, I’ll see y’all later!” – “Super Cool Guy” Muhammad Murder
[We would once again fade into the abyss of nothingness for a short while before returning to the obnoxious applause of Lefty in the MMTV Studios Set. However, there was no one to be found behind the large, Cherrywood desk. Well, it WAS empty until an out of breath Muhammad Murder would enter from the back and slumps on the leather, swiveling chair. Nothing was said, only heavy, ragged breaths were taken before MM would take in a deeper breath and lets out a hoot before speaking up again.]
“Thanks a lot Muhammad, I enjoyed hearing those obvious statements about me being great and Kruzer being lower than dung~. Now Ladies and Gentleman, the show’s almost over, but we here at MMTV Studios in Phoenix hope that you tune into Revolutionary Wrestling Division’s Sunday Night Combat and pretend to watch any other match other than the Main Event. Because, really, it’s the only thing you’re gonna end up watching anyways! I’m Muhammad Murder and this has been the Muhammad Murder Show on MMTV. G’night everybody!” – “Your Lord and Loving Host” Muhammad Murder
[We are treated to an outro consisting of Lefty’s cheering, MM’s theme song and a quote from everyone’s favorite Beard.]
“You Kruze, You Luze!” – Beard 5:00
so quickly so sad!
