Post by Dennis Driver on Oct 11, 2014 21:20:24 GMT
Announcer: That's Driver surging out of the penalty box! Robichaud finds him perfectly! Past the defender! Spins - oh! 3-2 Huskies! My oh my, he had the puck on a string! Great stuff from Max Robichaud and the star recruit Dennis Driver! His first UConn goal in his second game!
Sitting on a beat-up Craigslist couch in Hartford and reliving his college glory days, Dennis pumps his fist perfectly in sync with the DVD footage of his celebration. His girlfriend Monica Galtieri shakes her head. They're wearing matching Hartford Whalers hoodies - the heat in the apartment complex hasn't kicked in yet. Although they've only been together for a few months, Monica first saw Dennis with the UConn hockey team; she was in the stands for almost every home game. Never meet your heroes; they'll always let you down.
Monica Galtieri: You've watched that four times in a row now. I'm gonna go get the mail.
Dennis Driver: It was so sick! You don't have to get the mail. I don't think there's any...mail.
Too late. She's getting the mail. A package for Dennis, the latest copy of The Economist for Monica and, for the third time this week, a menu from the Chinese place down the street.
Monica Galtieri: Jeez, those guys are persistent. What's in the package?
Dennis knows what's in the package, or at least he has a pretty good idea. He doesn't want Monica to open the package.
Monica Galtieri: I'm gonna open it.
Dennis winces as she cuts it open with a nearby kitchen knife - and slowly unfurls the black flag of ISIS. Okay, Monica thinks - he's a bit of a manchild, he always was and you can't change people. Okay, so the hockey thing didn't work out. Okay, so she had to buy a plane ticket to Knoxville with her own money to watch him lose a wrestling match to an old fat guy. But this? Insanely, absurdly not cool. Monica recoils and drops the flag as if it were a live snake.
Monica Galtieri: What the hell is the flag of the Islamic State doing in my apartment?
Dennis cracks under pressure on a nearly routine basis.
Dennis Driver: It's, uh...
Monica Galtieri: Number one, you're fucking Jewish! Number two, this is spectacularly offensive. Is that the kind of couple we are? A couple that finances terrorism?
Monica is pointing and yelling; Dennis is wincing and cowering.
Dennis Driver: It's just some dude on eBay who sells a bunch of flags. It's for the Halloween party! You've gotta see, I've got a fake beard, I got some military surplus camo crap from the thrift store downtown, now I've got my flag.
Monica looks at Dennis like he has two heads.
Monica Galtieri: The flag of ISIS. Your flag?
Dennis Driver: You know what I mean.
Dennis puts his hands on the shoulders of his still-angry girlfriend.
Dennis Driver: Listen. Monica. You're my bae. I know you're a strong, independent woman. It's just that, on Halloween, I'd like it if you were a strong independent woman wearing a sexy ISIS costume.
Monica starts cracking up.
Monica Galtieri: That's so fucked, dude. Whatever. I'm game. I'm gonna hug you 'til you say "uncle."
Dennis recoils away, scampering to the other side of the living room.
Dennis Driver: That is WAY too soon.
Monica Galtieri: Too soon? That's too soon? Our Halloween costume is an ISIS joke. Are there any sexy members of ISIS? I'm gonna need some inspiration.
Dennis Driver: Doubt it. But hey, speaking of sexy, you've gotta see my tag partner next week.
Dennis pecks at his phone until he produces a promotional picture of a grinning, shirtless Ryan DeFalco. He runs his finger up and down DeFalco's abs.
Dennis Driver: I mean, dude's swole as hell. I bet he can bounce his pecs up and down.
Dennis tries to bounce his pecs up and down, which just comes across as part of some awkward white man dance.
Monica Galtieri: Did you save that to your phone?
Dennis Driver: Wha? Nah, it's from the website. We're gonna fight Carter and Phoenix, here.
He points to the roster page and lets Monica see his opponents' faces.
Monica Galtieri: Wow, Carter's cute. You should grow out a little scruff, I love that look.
Dennis Driver: Well, wait 'til Halloween.
As if she momentarily forgot the fact that she agreed to dress up as a sexy jihadist, Monica puts her head in her hands and mouths the words "oh, no."
Dennis Driver: That Jersey boy DeFalco's smarter than he looks, y'know, you saw him against Carter.
Monica, who was texting her friends and posting to Instagram through almost every match that didn't involve her mess of a boyfriend, has hardly any idea what he's talking about - but she does remember DeFalco's picture.
Monica Galtieri: Yeah. I mean, can I see that picture again? He can't possibly be dumber than he looks.
Dennis Driver: He's a smart dude, I mean he's definitely smarter than John Carter, he looked so good last week and I bet he knows exactly what to do. Don't tag in. Stay away. I've never been "coachable," I've never been a "team player." Big guy's got the best seat in the house. He's got the easiest paycheck he'll make in his life. Like thousands and thousands of fans over years and years in cities all over the United States, sit back, relax and watch the Dennis Driver show! Watch the one man Brass Bonanza! Take some notes! You do that, you'll be 2-0. There's no "I" in "team," but baby, there is an "m" and an "e!"
Monica Galtieri: Oh, I just remembered who Phoenix is. He's the open challenge guy!
Dennis puts on a fake slow and serious voice, hunching over like a caveman.
Dennis Driver: I issue an open challenge. I'm taking on all comers. I'm ready. I was born ready. It is impossible for any other human being to be more ready than me, right now, at this very moment. My parents named me Hayden.
Monica Galtieri: My ex's name is Hayden.
Dennis Driver: Did he issue an open challenge?
Again with the voice which, it must be noted, sounds nothing at all like Hayden Phoenix.
Monica Galtieri: He did cheat on me, so you can actually sorta look at it like that, yeah.
Dennis Driver: Hayden, Johnny, if you think you've got an easy one this time around you've got another thing coming. You wanna make a name for yourselves here, you want the big gold belt at the end of the road, we all want the same things, but it's gonna have to wait. What happened last week with the 40-year-old virgin was a fluke. I'm not fighting for Ryan DeFalco, I'm not fighting for the fans, the company. I'm fighting for myself. I'm fighting for my bae. And I'll never let my bae down again!
Sitting on a beat-up Craigslist couch in Hartford and reliving his college glory days, Dennis pumps his fist perfectly in sync with the DVD footage of his celebration. His girlfriend Monica Galtieri shakes her head. They're wearing matching Hartford Whalers hoodies - the heat in the apartment complex hasn't kicked in yet. Although they've only been together for a few months, Monica first saw Dennis with the UConn hockey team; she was in the stands for almost every home game. Never meet your heroes; they'll always let you down.
Monica Galtieri: You've watched that four times in a row now. I'm gonna go get the mail.
Dennis Driver: It was so sick! You don't have to get the mail. I don't think there's any...mail.
Too late. She's getting the mail. A package for Dennis, the latest copy of The Economist for Monica and, for the third time this week, a menu from the Chinese place down the street.
Monica Galtieri: Jeez, those guys are persistent. What's in the package?
Dennis knows what's in the package, or at least he has a pretty good idea. He doesn't want Monica to open the package.
Monica Galtieri: I'm gonna open it.
Dennis winces as she cuts it open with a nearby kitchen knife - and slowly unfurls the black flag of ISIS. Okay, Monica thinks - he's a bit of a manchild, he always was and you can't change people. Okay, so the hockey thing didn't work out. Okay, so she had to buy a plane ticket to Knoxville with her own money to watch him lose a wrestling match to an old fat guy. But this? Insanely, absurdly not cool. Monica recoils and drops the flag as if it were a live snake.
Monica Galtieri: What the hell is the flag of the Islamic State doing in my apartment?
Dennis cracks under pressure on a nearly routine basis.
Dennis Driver: It's, uh...
Monica Galtieri: Number one, you're fucking Jewish! Number two, this is spectacularly offensive. Is that the kind of couple we are? A couple that finances terrorism?
Monica is pointing and yelling; Dennis is wincing and cowering.
Dennis Driver: It's just some dude on eBay who sells a bunch of flags. It's for the Halloween party! You've gotta see, I've got a fake beard, I got some military surplus camo crap from the thrift store downtown, now I've got my flag.
Monica looks at Dennis like he has two heads.
Monica Galtieri: The flag of ISIS. Your flag?
Dennis Driver: You know what I mean.
Dennis puts his hands on the shoulders of his still-angry girlfriend.
Dennis Driver: Listen. Monica. You're my bae. I know you're a strong, independent woman. It's just that, on Halloween, I'd like it if you were a strong independent woman wearing a sexy ISIS costume.
Monica starts cracking up.
Monica Galtieri: That's so fucked, dude. Whatever. I'm game. I'm gonna hug you 'til you say "uncle."
Dennis recoils away, scampering to the other side of the living room.
Dennis Driver: That is WAY too soon.
Monica Galtieri: Too soon? That's too soon? Our Halloween costume is an ISIS joke. Are there any sexy members of ISIS? I'm gonna need some inspiration.
Dennis Driver: Doubt it. But hey, speaking of sexy, you've gotta see my tag partner next week.
Dennis pecks at his phone until he produces a promotional picture of a grinning, shirtless Ryan DeFalco. He runs his finger up and down DeFalco's abs.
Dennis Driver: I mean, dude's swole as hell. I bet he can bounce his pecs up and down.
Dennis tries to bounce his pecs up and down, which just comes across as part of some awkward white man dance.
Monica Galtieri: Did you save that to your phone?
Dennis Driver: Wha? Nah, it's from the website. We're gonna fight Carter and Phoenix, here.
He points to the roster page and lets Monica see his opponents' faces.
Monica Galtieri: Wow, Carter's cute. You should grow out a little scruff, I love that look.
Dennis Driver: Well, wait 'til Halloween.
As if she momentarily forgot the fact that she agreed to dress up as a sexy jihadist, Monica puts her head in her hands and mouths the words "oh, no."
Dennis Driver: That Jersey boy DeFalco's smarter than he looks, y'know, you saw him against Carter.
Monica, who was texting her friends and posting to Instagram through almost every match that didn't involve her mess of a boyfriend, has hardly any idea what he's talking about - but she does remember DeFalco's picture.
Monica Galtieri: Yeah. I mean, can I see that picture again? He can't possibly be dumber than he looks.
Dennis Driver: He's a smart dude, I mean he's definitely smarter than John Carter, he looked so good last week and I bet he knows exactly what to do. Don't tag in. Stay away. I've never been "coachable," I've never been a "team player." Big guy's got the best seat in the house. He's got the easiest paycheck he'll make in his life. Like thousands and thousands of fans over years and years in cities all over the United States, sit back, relax and watch the Dennis Driver show! Watch the one man Brass Bonanza! Take some notes! You do that, you'll be 2-0. There's no "I" in "team," but baby, there is an "m" and an "e!"
Monica Galtieri: Oh, I just remembered who Phoenix is. He's the open challenge guy!
Dennis puts on a fake slow and serious voice, hunching over like a caveman.
Dennis Driver: I issue an open challenge. I'm taking on all comers. I'm ready. I was born ready. It is impossible for any other human being to be more ready than me, right now, at this very moment. My parents named me Hayden.
Monica Galtieri: My ex's name is Hayden.
Dennis Driver: Did he issue an open challenge?
Again with the voice which, it must be noted, sounds nothing at all like Hayden Phoenix.
Monica Galtieri: He did cheat on me, so you can actually sorta look at it like that, yeah.
Dennis Driver: Hayden, Johnny, if you think you've got an easy one this time around you've got another thing coming. You wanna make a name for yourselves here, you want the big gold belt at the end of the road, we all want the same things, but it's gonna have to wait. What happened last week with the 40-year-old virgin was a fluke. I'm not fighting for Ryan DeFalco, I'm not fighting for the fans, the company. I'm fighting for myself. I'm fighting for my bae. And I'll never let my bae down again!
so quickly so sad!
